Take the intensity of a severe marijuana-induced panic attack. Now sap it of all anxiety: only a supercharged, translucent husk remains. Meet the New Villager: Seal, the performer, blissed-out and fetally coiled in the trunk of a black 1992 Audi. Subwoofers the size of a woman’s breasts shimmer as their wells fill with tears. And so the question must be asked:

Which woman?

NewVillager are only the most prominent members in a slew of new bands in the loosely affiliated “Diet Shaman” movement. A self-described “rag-tag crew,” Spielberg won’t touch them. NewVillager‘s music creates a hot, moist aura that actually reduces the appetite and tends to increase physical activity. Sexual intercourse and modern dance become indistinguishable. Do you like passionate, wet-sounding coitus? How about special suits that blind and deafen the babies wearing them, so the babies are protected from the loud love-acts the suits engage in? Would you like a falafel sandwich as tall as a mangrove, filled with curried, salted plant stamens? The sandwich shakes with frequencies that bake in the mozzarella, turning the cheese a deep golden brown. “Deepest Apology,” a 7″ CD MaxiSingle, will be released in the fall.