acting bonkers is a calmative

1. Acting bonkers is a calmative.

FALSE. Acting bonkers only leads to more acting bonkers. Stars give birth to little stars. Pretend you’re normal and calm and, soon enough, it’ll come true. “Fake it till you make it.” This applies to vegetarians — eat enough “nut-mignon,” and you’re soon eating the real thing. Note: nuts are “real.” Fake meat is still “real.” The ersatz is delicious. Click here for an expansion of this paragraph with additional “sexy details.”

This morning on NPR there was a story about a stir-stick you can stick in your drink to test it for caffeine. If the stick turns orange, you’re good to go. If it stays green, find another cup of joe. No word, they reported, if the stick also determined whether or not the cup of coffee was pregnant, and would give birth to another, “smaller cup of coffee.” The announcer said this with a delicious deadpan that made me laugh aloud, like a mostly bonkers cock of the morn!

  1. A wizard’s whisper is as loud as the moon’s careen.

FALSE. This is only true in the UK and Finland. In the United States, sotto voce wizardspeech is as delicate as spun-sugar lingerie. Has Polly been nude at the fair? Oh, yes — there she stands, framed by a bonkers ferris wheel, spinning faster than the planets, nude as a blazing birch stripped of its bark. Oh, Polly!

3. Nudity is a protein-rich ablutive, and you should remain silent.

TRUE. Gettin’ nude, esp. on the holidays, is a great way of relaxing and making new friends. It’s a common misconception that animals don’t care if you’re naked or not — they care deeply, and they think hard about it. Cheryl’s nude again, the little kitty remarked to herself. And she’s picking up all that paper I shredded from in front of the bathroom door. Now she’s putting on a record — is this Leonard Cohen? Is she really going out with James again tonight? It seems like she’s half-heartedly getting ready. I’m bored. These are the thoughts of cats!

  1. Children are better at acquiring language than adults.

I heard this was true.

  1. A necklace is a great gift for a sexual conquest.

FALSE. The necklace is a symbol of inheritance and greed. Put a perfect cube of butter in your beloved’s in-box, and text them of its presence. I mean, make them aware of it by sending them a text-message.

  1. AT&T Wireless is the best cell-phone provider

This actually depends on the way you use your cell-phone. If you do a lot of text-messaging, etc