The Soft Tunic
for Billy Higgins
DR. LADYKLAW: I need a haircut, but there is no barber in the land smart enough to smart mine Bobbie
PROF. DeMERITZ: Do you have an appointment?
LADYKLAW: I’m not here for an appointment. I just came here to kvetch
DeMERITZ: Look lady, this isn’t a little boys’ choir salon or whatever. People come here to perform their sexuality with wry objectivity, a la l’Soft Tunic, or they come here to leave. Which one is you?
LADYK: You know what the thing is with your “automatic writing”? Esp. when you’re sleepy? It’s garbage. Who do you think reads this?
DM: I read it. And my campers read it. I have six campers in my bunk this summer, and they read the blog every morning. Even if there’s nothing new.
LK: If their parents knew…
DM: They’re orphans. They have no parents.
LK: I know what an orphan is. [A smouldering glare. They kiss.]
DM: Well, if you don’t have an appointment, I’m afraid you’ll be have now to leave [sic]. [The clock ticks louder and louder. The ticks and tocks begin modulating themselves, like the Daft Punk song, below, until it becomes a funky beat!
Rusty flutters in his cage.]
DeM: Where’s your daughter?
LK: I left her in the kitchen.
DeM: Your kitchen at home?
LK: I think so. It looked familiar. There were more counters than usual.
DeM: [With agitated concern] You don’t remember which kitchen. OK. [To himself] Och, will the terrors never cease! Won’t a bird of peace drop a sheaf of peacefelt onto this diseasy land??????????? [A papier mache pterodactyl flies across the stage] Och!!!!
LK: It was a Hardee’s.
DeM: You left her in Hardee’s?
LK: That’s why there were so many counters. We were eating breakfast.
DeM: At Hardee’s. OK. How long ago was this?
LK: I haven’t been eating breakfast lately. So it must have been summer.
DeM: Sbroing!!!!!!!!!!!!! [The P.A. system plays a zany sound-effects CD on repeat until everyone in audience is gone. Make sure you clean the theater real good before you leave]