the soft tunic

The Soft Tunic
for Billy Higgins

DR. LADYKLAW: I need a haircut, but there is no barber in the land smart enough to smart mine Bobbie

PROF. DeMERITZ: Do you have an appointment?

LADYKLAW: I’m not here for an appointment. I just came here to kvetch

DeMERITZ: Look lady, this isn’t a little boys’ choir salon or whatever. People come here to perform their sexuality with wry objectivity, a la l’Soft Tunic, or they come here to leave. Which one is you?

LADYK: You know what the thing is with your “automatic writing”? Esp. when you’re sleepy? It’s garbage. Who do you think reads this?

DM: I read it. And my campers read it. I have six campers in my bunk this summer, and they read the blog every morning. Even if there’s nothing new.

LK: If their parents knew…

DM: They’re orphans. They have no parents.

LK: I know what an orphan is. [A smouldering glare. They kiss.]

DM: Well, if you don’t have an appointment, I’m afraid you’ll be have now to leave [sic]. [The clock ticks louder and louder. The ticks and tocks begin modulating themselves, like the Daft Punk song, below, until it becomes a funky beat!


Rusty flutters in his cage.]

DeM: Where’s your daughter?

LK: I left her in the kitchen.

DeM: Your kitchen at home?

LK: I think so. It looked familiar. There were more counters than usual.

DeM: [With agitated concern] You don’t remember which kitchen. OK. [To himself] Och, will the terrors never cease! Won’t a bird of peace drop a sheaf of peacefelt onto this diseasy land??????????? [A papier mache pterodactyl flies across the stage] Och!!!!

LK: It was a Hardee’s.

DeM: You left her in Hardee’s?

LK: That’s why there were so many counters. We were eating breakfast.

DeM: At Hardee’s. OK. How long ago was this?

LK: I haven’t been eating breakfast lately. So it must have been summer.

DeM: Sbroing!!!!!!!!!!!!! [The P.A. system plays a zany sound-effects CD on repeat until everyone in audience is gone. Make sure you clean the theater real good before you leave]