SAM: Hey, Shwarma!


SAM: What’s that? [Gestures at SHWARMA’S lap]

SHWARMA: [gesturing to own lap] Aw, this? It’s coffee! [Smiles, then blesses a textbook with open palm] I’m trying to learn FinalCutPro.

SAM: Ah!

SHWARMA: But I have ADD, and I ate an eighth of mushrooms ten minutes ago.

SAM: Wow. You’re not gonna be learning FinalCutPro once those kick in…

SHWARMA: I know. I’ve got my BART card all charged up, my chain is lubed and my tires are perfectly inflated. The minute the shrooms kick in, I’m heading to the park. In the meantime, though, if you don’t mind… [a beat]. I’m trying to finish up this tutorial.

SAM: That makes sense. Sorry for bugging you. I’ll leave you alone. [Sam reaches behind herself and deftly corrects a wedgie that had formed in her ass. Shwarma notices, conspicuously. I think they’re lesbians!]

SHWARMA: Well… what are you up to today? [She’s clearly taken with Sam. Who can say if it’s a purely sexual thing, or if there’s a ‘deeper’ affinity. But, like, does our common conception of sex as superficial, and friendship or whatever other affinity you want to choose as ‘deeper’ — really obtain? Does that conception really obtain? Can you use the word ‘obtain’ like that? I think you really obtain, for real, in a big way, Shwarma. Keep it going.]

SAM: I was going to head over to Agent Provacateur to buy some lingerie. I’m not seeing anyone right now, and I’m not planning to, but I still like to buy supersexy lingerie and just preen around alone in the mirror. If no one else is enjoying me, at least I should enjoy me, right? Then I was going to go see some art, either at 49 Geary or the MoMA. Then… I forget. I had more plans, maybe go for a ‘hike.’ There’s a new ‘lesbian trailhead’ I wanted to check out.

[The mushrooms are beginning to kick in for Shwarma. Her intense focusĀ  slowly dissolves as Sam’s continues speaking, until her attention refocuses again in toto on the window. Sam trails off and follows Shwarma’s gaze.]

SAM [Con’t]: What are you looking at?

SHWARMA: Are butterflies friends or foes, would you say? ‘Foes.’ ‘Phoze.’ ‘Fose’. Has there been an historical time when butterflies were pests? Is a caterpillar the pest? [Big beat.] I want to start a band. Let’s start a band called “Caterpillar of Industrie”. With Industrie spelled “i-e”.

SAM: I like you. This is fun. I’ll be in the band.

SHWARMA: I want you to play ‘silence’ in the band. You’re like the John Cage of the band. It’ll be so famous — “You know how Caterpillar of Industrie has these really resonant, heartbreaking silences? That’s Sam. She plays the silence in the band. It’s incredible. No one is quiet like she is.”

SAM: I’m not taking any of this personally. It’s a funny idea. [Little beat.] Are you ready to go to the park?

SHWARMA: I’m already in the park, Sam. I live in the park. The park comes with me wherever I go. Le parque, c’est moi. The park is there, with me at the DMV. The park’s at a Primus concert. The park is at Whole Foods. The park is in jail. I’m in the park when I’m at Osha Thai on Valencia. The park in the nineties. The park in the Hague. Park in the academy. Park in the asbestos dungeon. Park in Spring. Remember the park at that Diane Arbus exhibition?

SAM: I remember how suprised you were with yourself that you didn’t like that exhibition.

SHWARMA: It bugged me because of that Nicole Kidman film, which I didn’t even see. But I was annoyed that the film informed the exhibition so much. When I’m a powerful art curator I’m going to stage an exhibition entitled “The Borrowers Down Under,” which will be a salon-hung show of Arbus photos, Mike Slack photos, and Robert Downey, Jr., in the gallery, doing something Beuysey; a performance piece. And there’ll be variations on the movie poster for The Borrowers Down Under, with animation cells, the whole ‘bit’.


SAM: I think you mean The Rescuers Down Under.

SHWARMA: Of course I do. OK, I do. Wow. Wow. OK. I think it’s right, it’s time for me to go outside!! They’re kickin in. [Giggles for forty consecutive seconds.] Are you coming? I need to change my clothes! I can’t wear this shit! OK, Gak!! [more giggling, destroys her closet searching for a spaghetti-strap adventure-top]

SAM: OK. I’ll come. [Frowns with concern for her friend, who is on drugs]