JONATHAN HUMMY, FILM CRITIC FOR THE NEW LONDON WEEKLY: How were you able to sustain a relationship with a beautiful woman while you were obese, gay, blind, rude, weak, fearful, and dumb?
DOUGLAS PAUL TOBY: It’s a wonderful question. I don’t know the answer. What can I say? I had a rich childhood, and it sustained me. Apart from the great flagons of pork, cheese, beef, bread, potatoes, and rice I regularly consumed, I practiced Green Ethics—I’m acutely conscious of the environment.
I’m also quite a funky poet—maybe she dug that? I don’t really know. I’m a terrific fusion violinist—in fact, I studied for many years with Jean-Luc Ponty.
But really, what can I say? Women are insane. Some of them like the fat ones, some prefer the dumb ones. Men are the same way. Hand them a flagon of beef, and a fortnight later, they’ll present you with an inverted nativity scene: the Jesus floats on top, while the posole residue, with all the salt and onionskins, is encrusted along the bottom of the pan.
PT: Call me Paul. I’m just riffing; don’t take it personally. Did you get enough to eat?
JH: We’re conducting this interview over email; I’ll feed myself. Do you drink much?
PT: I spend my days at my office job, longing for a drink. I spend my evenings pounding my beloved India Pale Ale–styled microbrews. That’s if I’m with friends (such as they are); I take colossal, frowzy, pickled-egg mutant Bloody Maries when I’m alone. Which is quite often, at least until my sweet caramelized onion came along…
JH: You’re referring to Douglaseena, your first wife.
READ THE SUPERFUCKED PART TWO OF THIS INTERVIEW IN THE MARCH/BLOGTUNDRA ISSUE OF THE NEW LONDON WEEKLY!
ON NEWSTANDS APOCALYPSE 2004!