Cowardly Inferno

COWARD: More beef? More chocolate?

HERO: Nah. Time to push off.

COWARD: Please stay? For another five minutes? [Palms a piece of chocolate into his face.] For another forty?

HERO: Nah. Gotta go. Stay whatever, kid.

COWARD: Babette is coming home soon–wouldn’t you like to see her?

HERO: [Eyebrows waggle] Uh, yeah, I would. When’s she get here?

COWARD: In an hour. Less. She’s on the Dittobahn, past Eyes Chreaste. She sent me a text.

HERO: [Flexing] Lemme see it.

COWARD: No, I mean, my phone is–

HERO: Are you lying to me?

COWARD: [Soils pants] Yeah, I mean, hey, wait

[They make love]

YOUR HOST, JIMINY CRICKET: Whoops! Looks like the MPAA made a boo-boo! This film is NC-17, not PG-13 as advertised! Sowwwy! [JIMINY CRICKET joins the “orgy”]

BETO G.: Hey, what’s up, bro?! [High-fives a CLOUD IN PANTS]

CLOUD IN PANTS: Yo, dude, Avatar in three Gs!

BETO: Yeahh! Smoke some weed! Three thousand dollars!

AFFABLE MOM: [Laughing good naturedly] Wow, wait, what? This is insane!

COWARD: [Extracts himself from the orgy] Mom, what are you doing here?

AFFABLE MOM: Moms like watching movies too, you know! I have more than one Phish CD in my music library, young man!

COWARD: You’re not going to smoke pot on TV, are you?

AFFABLE MOM: Who do you think pays for your subscription to Cracked magazine, young man?

COWARD: You know I’m really grateful to get Cracked in the mail, mom. But I don’t think you should be here— some of these guys…

AFFABLE MOM: I can take care of myself, Gerald. And don’t forget to do your Italian homework.

COWARD: I dropped Italian, mom. I’m not taking it anymore.

AFFABLE MOM: That’s fine, sweetie. But what are you going to do for your language requirement?

COWARD: Latin. Or maybe French? I’m getting really into poetry, mom!

AFFABLE MOM: Well, I don’t need to remind you of all the wonderful poetry in Italian, Gerry.

COWARD: Really? Like what?

AFFABLE MOM: Dante, anyone? My goodness! [Farting sound]