psychic dancehall

FAMOUS SHITHEAD (NYC): Hey

BLIND RABBIT STRANDED @ PDX: Hi

FS: Check out the cover of Artforum

PDX: Cool

FS: Contemporary art like this gets made so that hot lovers can hang out inside of it and feel intelligent. Then they trot off somewhere and do it.

PDX: Really??? Sex?

FS: Yep

PDX: Are those hot lovers on the cover?

FS: Yeah. One of them is Danish, the other one is American

PDX: Wait, you know them?

FS: My college roommate took the photo. He’s beside himself that it’s on the cover of Artforum. He’s playing it cool, though

PDX: I’m stuck at the Portland airport.

FS: Why?

PDX: How should I know? The pilot ate too many Chili Cheese Fritos, won’t get off the can.

FS: Really?

PDX: No. I’m joking.

FS: I liked you better when you were painfully self-conscious and never said anything

PDX: Me too

[They make love.]

[Wait, I thought one of them was in Oregon while the other is in NYC?]

[That’s right]

[So how do they…]

[I’m not sure. Maybe they are in the same room after all.]

[OK]

FS: I feel like a big slice of garbage cake

PDX: You feel like you are one? Or you feel like having one?

FS: Both, dog. [pause] have you seen druggie moses

PDX: i heard he died… in the video game he was playing

FS: ahh phew i thought you meant died in real life

PDX: no, no, he’s still alive in real life

FS: thank god, i love druggie moses

PDX: so do i. he’s a nice guy. real nice guy. makes an amazing field roast

PDX: say, i thought you were going to liveblog your CSA box

FS: i was, but then i opened it

PDX: disappointed?

FS: no, just not… inspired to write about it on the internet

PDX: what was in it?

FS: some fucking vegetables.

PDX: I see.

FS: do you want to write on the internet some fake-fantasies about quitting your job and studying language and literature in a university setting in a place where it snows for the rest of your life?

PDX: ok

FS: you’re not really cut out for academia, though, so don’t actually do it. just ‘blog’ about it

PDX: ok

FS: also can you start wearing really form-fitting clothes all the time?

PDX: ok

FS: I hope nobody reads this.

PDX: don’t worry, they won’t

FS: how do you know?

PDX: today’s a big news day, they’ll be distracted, “Pope’s Portugal Trip a Bid to Move Beyond Scandal

FS: whoa

PDX: people are going to think we’re gchatting, but we’re not

FS: I know. how do we communicate that all this is happening while i’m sitting in your lap, spooning cottage cheese with balsamic vinegar into your mouth?

PDX: maybe if there is a video, or pictures? more ‘new york observer’

FS: no

PDX: more “frites” on the LES

FS: Nah

PDX: more belgian tacos

FS: stop

PDX: ‘stuff white people like’

FS: i know

PDX: ‘stuff latinos like’

FS: ok

PDX: ‘stuff i’ve been reading’

FS: ha. ok

PDX: ‘stuff that tastes good after you’ve been surfing’

FS: i know.

PDX: ‘stuff me into your mom’s stocking (above the mantle, first movement)’

FS: you lost me

PDX: I hope i stay that way

FS: let’s dance

PDX: I hate the way you use the internet

FS: What, you mean ‘mozilla firefox’?

PDX: i’m actually on chrome now

FS: all part of your major google push, huh?

PDX: there’s no google push

FS: first you’re all google readered out, now chrome?

PDX: that’d be funny to do a remake of The Reader, but call it The Google Reader, and it would be about…

FS: the internet?

PDX: yeah, and, like, the news cycle?

FS: Broadcast News meets Annie

PDX: Against Nature meets Arthur magazine

FS: Erewhon meets Waterworld

PDX: [rueful chucklin, picks up a remote control and starts a previously frozen video that shows a woman masturbating with a snorkel. FS opens a laptop and reads this tremendous collection of ‘blog gifts’]

FS: [munches thoughtfully on some machine-shelled pistachios]

PDX: remember when I ate a hot pocket in the shower to stop you from crying

FS: yeah. i hate remembering myself that way, laughing through the tears despite myself

PDX: was that the night of the Nightmares on Wax concert?

FS: yes

PDX:

FS: classic. stoned volvo. 405 South. there was a period where I was buying bananas every day

PDX: sweet man, talk it through. talk soon, ok? i’m gonna shop my soulcraft a bit, then back to biz. xox

FS: fuck, kay cool, lovies

PDX: munchkin corpse, big love

FS: ok you too

PDX: smack those lips to taste it

FS: I know I know

PDX: bye