David Crosby fan fiction

—Why was the American Office filmed in Berlin?

—It wasn’t.

—I read it was.


—In Sergio Aragones’s autobiography, Plato Fails

You are constantly joking around, it makes it fun to be around you

—Ya, thanks for saying so

—Except I heard you made a rape joke yesterday.

—I did. I regret it. I already apologized to Tom.

—Why’d you do it?

—I was drunk. It was an accident. It got a huge laugh. Sometimes—

—It’s not OK to joke about rape. Ever.

—OK. Fine. I know. I said sorry. Tom’s OK.

—It doesn’t matter what Tom is. You need to get that the things you say have consequences.

[They go on like this for eight days, taking breaks five times daily]

—You’re a frat-guy. You’re an English football hooligan minus the utility. You’re a sponge. A sea cucumber.

—Thanks, Sybll. This is great. [Their conversation goes on another nine days. André eats an entire jar of peanut butter, gesticulating with his spoon at Sybll as he defends himself. He lashes out, he tries to change the subject, he farts quietly. André reads novels on his breaks, sometimes even while they’re arguing. Neither André nor Sybll drink any coffee or alcohol, nor do they smoke any tobacco or marijuana during the course of the argument. Both over-eat regularly. They buy multiple books they’ll never read. There is a lull in the argument and they practice their conversational French.]

SYBLL: Si Fred Flinstone avait des prétentions intellectuelles: que c’est assez proche. C’est vous.

ANDRE: Que diriez-vous si je portais une tunique Fred Flinstone?

S: Vous devez écrire de la Flintstones fan fiction.

A: Vous devriez écrire NBC comédie fan fiction.

S: Vous devriez écrire Gilbert Sorrentino, Donald Barthelme, George Saunders, Dennis Cooper, ou Dostoïevski  fan fiction.

A: Vous devriez écrire Marcel Marceau fan fiction.

S: Vous devriez écrire David Crosby fan fiction.

My thanks to Samantha Høcksthighnë and Google Translate for their assistance in the composition of these poems.